Hey, if it was good enough for Michaelangelo, it's good enough for me. When we think of artists finding inspiration, we usually think of women in the part of the muse. Guys were always more of an incentive for me, in just about everything.
I went to school because of the boys. I went to work more because of the guys than the paycheck. I started a fan magazine because a guy asked me to - not to mention a record label. Guys were the reason I got into photography, painting, poetry, publishing, promotions... the list goes on and on.
Some people would say that that is a bad thing. I disagree.I think it's the thing that has spawned most acts of creation. Sex. Ecstasy. The Atavistic divine. Seeing the divinity in another person. Connecting to the universal whole through beauty, sensuality, love.
Let's take my current "muse" as an example. He was the inspiration for this particular Morgaine-ism. He's inspired a lot of positive changes in my life. His name is Gale Harold.
I had a funny feeling when I heard about a new show called Queer As Folk. I was really sick in those days. I had had to give up most of what I owned and move away from my beloved Philadelphia to an extremely rural part of Eastern Kentucky because it just wasn't possible for me to live alone at that point.I hadn't done much of anything for several years except sleep, cry and wish I were dead. My daily activities consisted of sleep, watching movies and maybe flipping through some magazines. I had stopped reading because I couldn't concentrate. I had stopped painting because I didn't have the energy. I had stopped writing because I had nothing to say.
I tuned into the first episode. I was loving it already when I heard the words "unless you're Brian Kinney". There it was - the face. THE face. Beautiful, angular, with miles of attitude and charisma such as I'd not seen since my rock 'n' roll days. For the first time in years, I was awake. It felt good. It was the first thing that had felt good in a long time.
I had taped that first episode and I watched it over and over. There were some serious synchronicities in the Brian character and some things that had happened in my last and most traumatic relationship. I mean, lines repeated word for word, same inflection, same expression. Something had tapped directly into my psyche. I remembered that feeling. It was my connection to Dionysus.
When the season ended with that tragic cliff hanger, I needed to talk to someone about how I felt. I started looking for information on the internet. Eventually I found the QAF community, and discovered there were other people even more obsessive about the show than I was. Hard to imagine, but true.
I started taking part in discussions about the show, about brian and about Gale. The question of why we loved a character as seemingly bad as Brian inspired an essay about Brian Kinney as a manifestation of Dionysus. I was writing again. I started collecting pictures of Gale from everywhere. I even printed a few out and put them in one of my sketchbooks. One particular magazine cover showing Gale embracing Randy Harrison captured my imagination. It would make a great painting. Before I knew it, I was painting again.
I enjoyed surfing the 'net for info on Gale so much, that I began to want a website of my own. I got to thinking about when in my life I had had the most fun and I realized I enjoyed my fan magazine most. My friend doreen had been onto me to put some of my teachings into some kind of written form. I had an entire manuscrpt of unpublished poems. Most of all, it felt good when I wrote that essay about Gale and I wanted a fan site. I pulled a book on HTML out of a dusty pile and started trying to figure it out. I was reading again.
HTML is basically a simple language, so I was learning again too. I was thinking visually and creatively. I was creating. I had a place to show my work without going through any kind of approval process. the instant publishing capabilities of the web suited my impatient nature perfectly. I had a website.
I was making friends...and enemies... on the web groups. One friend in particular lived in Toronto and wanted me to come for a visit. Me, travel? Alone? To a foreign country? It didn't seem likely. I was making progress, but that seemed out of reach. Then the Gale factor kicked in. People on line were often talking about meeting the cast of QAF. At first I thought I'd never want to meet them...or him. Too risky. Too intense. As more and more people reported positive experiences, my attitude began to change. I started seeing pictures of fans with Gale. They were normal people. Not all thin or gorgeous. Nice girls for the most part. My paranoia began to ease a bit.
During a live chat one night, my friend mentioned that a cast member of QAF -- a beautiful actress named Thea Gill-- was going to perform at a Jazz club in Toronto. An intensely calm feeling went through me. I was going to meet Gale. I knew it in the marrow of my bones.
I bought a plane ticket. I put some money together. My family didn't know what to think. I went from doing nothing to doing something big in the most matter-of-fact way. They were naturally worried. There were a lot of reasons to think I might not be able to handle this.I hadn't done anything social in years. I hadn't done anything at all that didn't involve family or long-time friends who had seen me through my illness. I still had "bad days".
None of that mattered. I was going to meet Gale. I went to Toronto. I met Gale. I survived. I came away with a distinct sense that I would see him again, and a renewed faith in myself. I feel calmer and more balanced than ever. I'm back in the world again. I'm even starting to send my poetry out and some of it is going to be published. I'm learning more and more html. I don't want to die today.
That's a lot of positive change inspired by one beautiful face. But if it's good enough for Michaelangelo, it's good enough for me.