Midsummer Soul Search

It's daylight and I haven't slept. I'm in that shaky-cold thing that happens when I'm over-tired and over-stressed. My personality takes on its darker aspects. Right now, I'm indulging my current musical obsession and a lyric won't let me go until I get this out of my head.. Matchbox 20 seems to be saying what I feel these days. For a while, "Unwell" has been my theme song, but tonight/today/ this morning/ whatever the fucking time it is, I'm living the Lyrics of"Busted"

Busted
I forget when words were only words
She knows the party makes me nervous
In this stage we can't get hurt
Don't try to understand me

I can't get hurt because I have nothing to lose. It's an empowering feeling to be able to go for broke because you're already there. I'm out on the proverbial limb while safely tucked in my room/womb.

Don't try to understand me because there are too many me's to grok. As soon as you think you know me, I'm someone else. There are parts of me no one will ever know and that makes me sad. There are parts of me people miss because their perception is limited by my looks or their own limits.

We're too cool to be alone
But, not too crazy to get busted

"We" is me and a sort of soul mate I've encountered. Anyone who has ever studied with me knows that I always say "Goddess help you if you ever meet a soul mate". Those are unresolved relationships from other incarnations and they're intense. Rarely is anything resolved and the aftermath can last for years. It's always something you have to face, though. Walking away just isn't possible until your very survival is at stake.

I found out one life just ain't enough
I need another soul to feed on
I'm the flame I can't get burnt
I'm wholly understated

"Another soul to feed on" is my addiction to Dionysus. I'm not alive without that energy somewhere in my life, even if it's distant or on the periphery.

"I'm the flame, I can't get burnt" goes to the overwhelming intensity of my inner self and vision. I know what I know, and nothing can shake that.

"I'm wholly understated" is absolutely true. There are worlds in me that never get out for lack of opportunity, or resources, or most tragically, the lack of a partner. That other soul that isn't there...

I found silence in this space
An on and off again attraction
I need such amazing grace
Heaven sweep me away

"On and off again" because the energy comes over and over in the body of different persons.On one level it never goes away, but on the surface, it comes back with a vengeance. Once and future, never and always, all space is here all time is now...

"I need such amazing grace" is my need for something Mythic. I'll take the tragedy and the heartbreak as long as it's also glorious. No white picket fences for me.

(Chorus)
Love don't change, don't come around here
Don't wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don't strain, 'cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we've become, well
They've never been the people who we are

This chorus is just pure frustration. Don't act it, or show it, FEEL IT. Don't strain, because it will flow naturally if you let it. Not choosing to be all we can be makes us less than we'd be if the opportunity had never arisen.

I strapped on one horse and prayed for luck
I dug another hole to bleed
I know exactly how this works
I need a new feel dirty

Do you know what it's like to walk into a hurricane even though you've been there before and know it will probably end badly?

I don't need you crowding up my space
I just want to get inside you (inside...)
You can't believe the heart you save
Giving something away

The relationship doesn't have to take a traditional form. The exchange of energy is what's important - to know that my energy has affected him, that his energy is connected to mine. There's a dichotomy with caring about someone - do you want something from them or are you giving them something? When you offer to love someone, is that a gift, a request or an imposition. The answer is in the other... Their response defines this interaction, in spite of your intentions.

Love don't change, don't come around here
Don't wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don't strain, 'cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we've become, well
They've never been the people who we are

They've never been the people who we are... but who will they become ... what will they choose?

Love don't change, don't come around here
Don't mistake the something more for the something better
Don't strain, 'cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we've become,
They've never been the people who we are
who we are - yeah

"The something more for the something better" reminds me of the "essence and form" problem in magick. Is what you're wishing for really the thing that you want? Will you really want it when you have it? Do you know a good thing when you see it? Does it mean as much if it's free, or does the cost affect the value?

I dreamed that the world was crumbling down
We sat on my back porch and watched it
(Jesus is knocking on the door of your heart, ok?)
I dreamed that the buildings all fell down
We sat on my back porch and watched it
I dreamed that the world was crumbling down
We sat on my back porch and watched it
In my head I heard the sound
Like fifteen strangers dancing

Being me is like this - standing outside of the world, watching the patterns of people's lives, seeing the picture from a different angle. An angle that doesn't touch me. I'm just an observer on this planet - ha ha.

But oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby
Oh how I wish you could own me

Four lines that express the core issue of who I am. I want someone to see who I am - all that I am - and reflect it back to me. I need that connection. I'd be someone else if I could just to make that happen. The problem is that I'm stuck being me. Will anyone ever see past that? If I found someone that exceptional, what would he want with me?

Love don't change, don't come around here
Don't wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don't strain, 'cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we've become, well
They've never been the people who we are -
who we are -
who we are

Busted is a Matchbox 20 song,and is under copyright.