:: CHAOS Central ::

I'm not sure if things are getting any better or if I'm just getting used to feeling like this. I'm not even sure how exactly I'm feeling - it's a mish mash of a lot of things...frustration, defeat, anger, lonliness, agitation and the list goes on. I can almost deal with all of that...it's the "dead" feeling that creeps up on me more frequently than I'd like that really does a number on me. When all I have is this "dead inside" feeling it makes it easier to just shut down and not give a fuck about anything. But you know what.....I'm not quite ready for that yet.....there's still a little fight left in me....and as long as I have that there's hope! And I'm quite content to just feel hope right now because it's honestly more than I've felt in quite some time!!

:: Gemini 10:08 PM [+] ::
...

GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING SON OF BITCH.......

Well now that I've got that out of my system lets see if I can attempt to write something that is even slightly coherent. It has been a hell of a week with no apparent light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional and mental breakdown and let me tell you boys and girls it's not a fucking fun place to be....actually it's a damn scary place!! I'm trying to hang on...trying not to slide into that dark abyss but with each passing moment it is getting harder and harder. I want to yell and scream...kick and punch...shout on the top of my lungs....JUST MAKE IT STOP - but even that is in vain because no matter what I seem to do I'm still here in the fucked up place called my life.

I'm trying to have faith - but faith for what.....for financial security....for peace of mind....for happiness - as if any of those things really exist. People tell me that I've gotten jaded and cynical but I disagree - I'm realistic that is all....nothing more, nothing less. Right now the best I can hope for is to get through the day without losing it completely and that is the fucking reality right now of my life.

Fuck...life's a bitch....think I'll take a break from it and smoke a joint!

:: Gemini 8:24 PM [+] ::
...

Permanent state of emotional upheaval seems to be my life's theme right now!! I'm experiencing a whole wack of emotions that I don't know what to do with, nor do I even understand them at this moment. I felt so much better when I was coasting through life with the "Brian Kinney" attitude. For those of you who don't know who Brian Kinney is... what fucking rock have you been living under?!?!?!?! Brian Kinney is the outward epitome of "total emotional control". Some see that as an unhealthy and lonely existence....I see it as my salvation!

You see...I'm a master at "pain management." There isn't a feeling, a thought, an emotion that can't be subdued or if wanted badly enough totally turned off and forgotten. It's quite simple actually.....you'd be amazed what popping a couple pills, railing some lines or taking a few hauls off a joint can accomplish. The feeling of complete and absolute shut down can be such a welcoming experience when you want nothing other than to quiet the emotional turmoil you've been battling day in and day out. The calmness you feel when you know that in any second oblivion will sweep you up in it's ever protective arms. And it is in that protective enveloping that you can finally feel some semblance of peace that is forever escaping you in your waking moments.

Yeah...I'm a master at pain management.

:: Gemini 7:30 PM [+] ::
...

I've come to realize that there are very few absolute truths in life - but the one truth that is pretty much constant is "change is inevitable" Whether we acknowledge it, whether we accept it, whether we like it change will happen!! The harder and longer you try to resist change the more it will fuck you up......take it from someone who knows! Right now I find myself questioning things.....my life.....my thoughts.....my beliefs.....my viewpoints and it's scary as hell. I'm trying desperately to hang on to "my life as I know it" because there is a comfort and security in the familiar. But by holding on to the familiar and not experiencing the the "unknown" I'm not living life - I'm merely just existing.

So I guess I'm at one of the many crossroads that we all have in our life's - it's time to decide.

Well I choose to live life.....fully!
:: Gemini 12:12 PM [+] ::
...

I'd like to thank....
Morg ~ for all her work setting this up for me and graciously giving me a place to work through the chaotic craziness that is my life.
Rikka ~for keeping me going when I feel so frustrated that I just want to say "fuck it"
Mims ~for loving me no matter what (even when I don't listen and she loses sleep)
Tanya ~for being there through it all...the ups, the downs and the scariest times of all - the in betweens
Bec ~for being the reason I inevitably find my way back from the brink of self destruct mode

People are in our lives at different times for different reasons, sometimes without us even knowing why. I know why these women are a part of my life....they give me courage when I'm afraid, they give me strength when I'm weak, they give me direction when I'm lost, they give me truth when I'm in denial, they give me love when I'm lonely, they give me hope when all my faith is gone.

It is because of all they are and all they give I'm able to make this journey!!
:: Gemini 2:05 PM [+] ::
...

Well here it is....a new look!

But don't worry....just like people - you can change the outward appearance but chances are the core is still the same!!




:: Gemini 4:12 AM [+] ::
...